Should I Tell Her?

My brother and sister-in-law-to-be, Leah are excitedly planning their wedding. There is just so much to do. She wants a wedding planner, he wants them to do it themselves.

There are the invitations and ‘Thank You’ notes, the venue, the food, the flowers, the photographer, the videographer, the wedding party, not to forget the tux and dress.

There is a lot of planning involved, lots of organization, lots of nerves on edge and besides that Leah has to be merged into the family gently.

There may be things about the family that she doesn’t understand. There may be things that she doesn’t want to know. Things that may unsettle her. Things that may scare her. Things. Things. Things.

Though none of the things will hurt her, she still has to be prepared.

For instance, I don’t know if I should tell her that my father doesn’t really like to talk much and she shouldn’t take it personally or that my mother thinks she is psychic and scares people off by saying things they are not ready to hear.

I don’t want to tell Leah that she will be subjected to a string of birthday and holiday parties, lots of cake, lots of birthday card readings, lots of candles blown out where she will inhale secondhand smoke, lots of pictures that will turn out wrong, lots of noise and lots of potluck gatherings where she will be served experimental food; new recipes made by my mother from her Psychic Cookbook.

The book doesn’t really have recipes, my mother just cooks what she thinks people will like based on her “feelings” about them. (See what I had to put up with as a young genius - and have the memory to prove it.)

Should I tell my sister-in-law-to-be that no one ever eats what my mother cooks from the Psychic Cookbook, but some kind of way it mysteriously disappears from the table and winds up in the garbage disposal where there won’t be any evidence.

Should I tell her that she will hear the same old stories over and over again until she's blue in the face and then she’ll end up playing the game, Scattergories until she has memorized all of the possible answers.

Should I tell her that before she gets too comfortable in the family that my mother will initiate her by beckoning her into the den, dimly illuminated by candle light.

The smell of Sandalwood incense will fill her nostrils. The digital sound of the ocean will tickle her eardrums.

My mother will be sitting at a table with a colorful scarf wrapped around her head. I have dubbed her, “Madam Ant.” (She quit drinking and smoking and it’s a reference to Adam Ant’s song, “Goody Two Shoes.”)

She will motion for Leah to sit down across from her. A deck of Tarot cards will be on the table, she will say, “Cut the cards with your left hand.” Nervously Leah will cut. Madam Ant will then proceed to tell the future of her new daughter-in-law-to-be.

This will usually scare the life out of the new in-law-to-be. All four of my brothers have lost girlfriends this way.

When Leah emerges from Madam Ant’s den, she will have a sick look on her face, like she has seen a ghost. She will want to go home. She will want to lay down. She will reexamine if she wants to marry my brother at all.

Then those in on it will reveal that it was just a joke. Madam Ant is not a real psychic. This is just a humorous test to see if she would be able to withstand the pressure of this quirky family.

I can’t tell her that I have opened up a character file on her and now she is fair game. I will be recording what she does, says, thinks, her gestures, fears and emotions and then I will transfer them to one of my fictional characters.

Although she won’t know it, my mind will take notes of everything - - what she says, what she doesn’t say and what that says about her.

If I tell her, she would probably call off the engagement. A spiritual rule of thumb whether to tell a person what you think they should know is to ask yourself: Is it kind, necessary and true?

If it is not all of those, some things are left better unsaid.

On second thought, I should tell her something. Run Leah. Run fast. Run far. Run as fast as your little legs can carry you. Just get away before it’s too late. Go now. Go.

I hear that the weather is good in Bermuda. Brilliant blue skies, pink sand beaches. The natives are friendly. They speak English and some Portuguese, but you’ve always wanted to learn a new language.

They have some hurricanes, but nothing for you to worry about. Besides, none of us will find you in that mysterious triangle, but you will certainly find yourself.

In fact, Bermuda consists of about 150 islands, but only 20 have people living on them. You could live on one. Make it your own.

And all that stuff about Bermuda being haunted, people vanishing without a trace; don’t even think about that.